Does He Care?
Have you felt like a man is talking down to you, or is abandoning you in your time of deepest need?
A client of mine Lana, shared with me how offended she felt with her guy Johnny, when she described her challenging day at work to him. He responded by telling her that she had been complaining about that job for so long, she should get a new job.
She was so upset and felt unsupported by his short and seemingly uncaring response.
Another client of mine, Marie, was super disappointed when she tried to tell her man, Sam, about a difficult conversation she recently had with a relative that left her completely stunned and in anguish. She really needed to vent.
He was overwhelmed by her emotional state and ended up changing the subject to how he wanted to get busy cleaning the garage. She couldn't believe it.
You can see how both of these instances may cause a woman to feel unsupported and angry about the lack of sensitivity and caring these men showed them in their time of need.
Which is why I wanted to share something essential that we need to understand as women.
It is this:
Masculine energy men are more comfortable with solving problems (and contributing value to our lives in that way) than they are with empathizing with our emotions. How we perceive the value they contribute to us is different than how they perceive what they have to offer because our brains are so different.
What happens in relationships is that women treat men the way we want to be treated—and men treat women the way they want to be treated.
Because men’s brains are wired for reason, logic, and rational, and women’s brains are wired for introspection, intuition, and emotion, it doesn’t take long before we just don’t get each other.
Johnny was actually trying to help Lana solve her problem (logic), when Lana just wanted him to listen and empathize (feel).
Sam’s nervous system was overwhelmed and incapacitated by Marie because he wasn’t prepared for her unexpected and heightened release of emotional frustration.
If we want partnership, be aware that men aren’t wired for empathy like we are. If you want him to just listen without trying to fix things in a way that you don’t want him to, then ask. Say “honey, I had a really hard day. I don’t need a solution just yet, but if you would be willing to listen, that would feel so supportive to me.”
Even if it’s challenging in the moment, like Marie’s situation, what she needed was to be held and comforted. That was all. Could we as women have the presence of mind to ask for what we need in our moment of distress? “Babe, I’m really hurting, I need a shoulder to cry on.”
I believe that men really do want to support us, but they don’t understand the rich texture of feminine emotional needs. And they won’t pick up on the cues that we believe they should because, as I understand it, we have more grey matter in our brains, which allows us access to an extensive web of subtle connections that isn’t their typical mode of operandi. (i.e.-the intuitive, felt sense. )
One of the biggest problems in relationships is that we, as women, think men should “just know” but they are not wired to pick up on the unspoken cues that we give them. What’s obvious to us as naturally intuitive beings, you can expect that for a man, it may need to be spelled out.
For instance, if you don’t want him to forget your birthday, let him know it’s coming up. ;) Set you guy up for success! It’s not because he doesn’t care, he just may be consumed with the bigger picture.
So, tell your partner how they can support you and you will get what you need.
Assume the best and recognize his strengths for big-vision problem solving!
I think men and women need each other and you do have the power to get the support that you need. Men really are dying to love women.
Can you trust that?
I would love to hear your thoughts, what’s your opinion?