Magnetize Love, Not Pain

I saw something years ago that I’ll never forget.

I was 29 and living in Encinitas, California. We used to go up to Hollywood and see shows at the House of Blues every now and then. It was always exciting for a small-town girl like myself to be in the middle of so much big city glamor.

We were standing outside of a club and two women came out. They were clearly on something but what I remember most is their distinct lack of embodiment. I can only describe it this way, it was as if their souls had abandoned them and only a shell of who they were was left.

I remember feeling scared for them because it was clear that they were available to any demonic force that wanted to take advantage of their vulnerability. It was so pronounced that I never forgot it.

There are words that only attempt to describe a woman in this situation, such as, bubblehead or bimbo. She is reduced and objectified.

But beyond all judgment and superficiality, she is a woman who is afraid of feeling. A woman who has self-abandoned for fear of being found out as unworthy of love. She is so scared that it is easier to check-out than check-in.

What frightened me the most, besides my fear for their safety, was that I saw something of myself in them.

I am a highly sensitive being. I always have been. When I was young, I didn’t know how to process much of my experience and pain. In my highly impressionable childhood, I absorbed the message that there was something wrong with me. I wasn’t good enough. Because of this, my mental patterning became extremely negative and self-abusive. By the time I was in my 20’s I had waged an all-out war upon myself. Without the tools to process my feelings, I became self-destructive.

First through my passion, which was skiing. I blew out my knee over and over and over again. I had 4 complete knee reconstructions throughout my 20’s. That means every 2 years I went through this horrible and extensive process of being cut open and “fixed.” It was me pushing my body beyond its capacity because I was so desperate to be recognized as valuable and worthy of love and it was the only way I felt seen, through my skiing.

Then I turned to alcohol, drugs, and men to numb my pain. It was my exit strategy. The best way I knew how to mask my self-rejection. This is why when I saw these women I saw something that scared me so much. I saw myself. It would take me 15 years before I could understand and admit that that is why the impression of these women was so real for me.

When you are unconsciously at war with yourself, you live in self-doubt. You think that everyone knows something you don’t. You give yourself away in self-abandonment. You give yourself away physically, mentally, and emotionally in hopes that someone will save you from yourself and give you the love you are so desperate for.

I have recently learned that the greatest fear we have as human beings is the fear of feeling. It is pain that causes us to run and fragment and fall apart from ourselves. 

I have also learned that going right into the center of our pain is the only way through it.

I feel like my story is pretty extreme and it’s vulnerable to share my struggle so candidly, but if you are a highly sensitive being and you are attracting people and situations in your life that feels abusive or unsupportive, I want you to know that there is some part of you that believes you deserve it. There is a part of you that is lurking in the shadows for fear of being felt. It is old, unresolved pain that has become the attracting force in your life.

If you are ready to clear this stuff I can show you how. This is a big part of the work I do with women so that they can magnetize their soulmate as opposed to their demons.

I want you to find love. 

Life is too short not to be with your soul partner.
So let’s get to work. 

Attracting. LOVE.

Take me up on a NO COST “Attract Your Soulmate” Coaching Session. I’m offering these for a limited time only. 

In the session, we’ll work together to create a crystal clear vision of the kind of man you’d like to attract and the kind of relationship you’d like to have. We’ll also uncover some of the shadows that are sabotaging your success with men and dating. My goal is to leave you renewed, re-energized, and inspired to attract and keep the man of your soul once and for all.

“Beloved Soul Mate–
Find the space in the center.
The center is the dancing ground.”

Sutra 80, The Radiance Sutras