True story: from disenchantment to love- how i did it
When I was young I thought that love came by way of accomplishment. I thought that my value was invisible without proof so I pushed myself down many empty paths, working hard to prove my worth…
I was caught in a pattern with men and relationships where I kept hearing myself say, “I like him, but…”, “He’s great and all, but…” I was never satisfied and no one could ever meet my standard.
I felt like I had to prove my worth for a desirable man to notice me. After a while, even though I would have never admitted it, my heart got hard and I adopted the “whatever” attitude. “It doesn’t matter, I’m fine either way.”
The pattern perpetuated for decades. Me believing I wasn’t enough and settling for unfulfilling relationships where I would project my belief that they ‘weren’t good enough.‘ I never dreamt that I had the power to envision and attract what I considered a worthwhile man.
Years went by. Eventually I found myself in another frustrating relationship that lasted six years too long—because I was so afraid to be single. I felt so vulnerable and ashamed to appear to be “unwanted.” Not only did I hide behind my relationship because of this, I punished him continually for not adding up in my eyes. In the interim, I turned to my yoga practice and it became my love. My practice offered sanctuary from the suffering I felt for not adding up. I knew if I stayed in my relationship which was “just good enough” that 10 even 20 years could go by and I would have never followed my heart’s desire to be cherished and adored in love.
So I made the difficult decision to make the break and let myself be seen as single and unsuccessful in love. I felt so vulnerable. I was 44 years old and had no idea how to date. It was horrific! Because I felt vulnerable, I became vulnerable and attracted a toxic situation that was more painful than anything I had ever experienced before. I suffered miserably. I was getting so many confusing messages while I waited for him to see my value. I was so lonely it hurt. Looking back, I can hardly believe now that I allowed myself to be treated this way but looking at the big picture I realize that I attracted this into my life because this is somehow what I believed I deserved.
During that time I made a decision. I needed a man to love and value me. I wanted real love. I wanted someone to say, “I love you so much, you are perfect just as you are!” I knew I needed to find my husband. I also knew that if this amazing man I imagined in my heart were to show up, I needed to be a woman of equal caliber.
This is when I put all my effort into uncovering the mysteries of love. I learned about the Sacred Feminine which helped me to realize my worth and validate my feelings. I studied the differences between men and women. I learned about dating and how to do it successfully. I got clear about what I wanted so that never again would I be desperate for outside validation. I studied tantric philosophy and realized how love lies at the heart of all experience and my desires are sacred. I manifested my dream through intention, love altars, mantras, and sensuality practices. After a lifetime of wondering if he would appear, he showed up! All of this has lead my friends to refer to me as an “Epic Manifestor!”
I am now married to a man who fulfills me beyond my wildest dreams! We are building a beautiful life together and are devoted to keeping our fire lit for a lifetime. I want all women to know love like this!